hi everyone! i suppose this is just a little diary entry today to reflect on the changes to my typology on my about page. isfj 9w1 926 to intp 5w4 592 feels like a big jump! and... it totally is. but i think the least i owe myself is some awareness of my truest self, and not the idealized self that i project to the world because i want to be kind and considerate and gentle. i still try to be all of those things, but i think it almost goes hand in hand with my unmasking, i think.

for instance, for those of you aware of cognitive functions, and even those of you who aren't, intp has the inferior Fe function. isfj, to contrast, has auxiliary Fe. that's a pretty big change! but i do think it's the correct change for who i am as a person. i'm going to put in the description of inferior Fe from practicaltyping.com:

Fe is about focusing on the needs of one’s group and being sensitive to others. Inferior Fe users often fear being incapable of connecting with others, or maintaining close relationships. Deep down, they often desire a sense of belonging, but feel lost as to how to obtain it. They fear the weight of other people’s emotional baggage, and struggle to open up emotionally, due to being disconnected from their own emotions. As a result, they often keep people at a distance. They’ll tend to dislike or avoid overly defined social situations due to a lack of confidence in their ability to navigate them. They’ll tend to avoid standing out, and may use the feedback of others to help define themselves.

However, a Ti dom that’s avoiding Fe altogether may completely rebel against any social convention by way of ignoring/avoiding it, rather than crusading for individuality like a Fi dom might. They may also struggle to understand their own emotions in addition to the emotions of others. Ignoring/not dealing with their own emotions may lead to sudden emotional snaps from seemingly out of nowhere.

oh my god, i feel understood. i think one of my major issues pertaining to my identity (or lack thereof) is perhaps that i find myself at a crossroads: i am highly empathetic, soaking up other people's emotions like a wet sponge, but i also don't know what to do with those feelings. i also have a very limited understanding of my own emotions, to where i found a great bit of amusement in going through my message history with my boyfriend and searching every time i said something along the lines of "idk how i feel" "i cant describe how i feel" or anything along those lines. there's been many nights where i am just so distressed by my emotional state that i would rather sleep off how i'm feeling than even attempt the unforgiving maze of handling my negative feelings. i am also really scared of being incapable of maintaining close relationships? i am constantly overthinking all of my close interpersonal relationships, mulling over if i'm reacting in the right way, if i did something wrong, how i can be better. it's exhausting. i want to feel like i belong, but i feel like i stick out like a sore thumb no matter where i am or what i do.

furthermore, like i was saying with my being empathetic, it's incredibly draining for me because i can't really handle taking on all of those emotions like that. but i want to be there for people, and i want to help, and i want to support them. it's just difficult. which i guess is where my sort of cognitive dissonance comes in, where i reveal myself to the world as this steadfast yet ever kindhearted magnate of altruism but... it just feels insincere, somehow. i feel like i also sort of grapple with feeling like a bad person at times, and i know my thinking can occasionally be rather black and white. haha, i feel like this is getting too painfully introspective for a mere silly diary entry. but i feel like when i write in this diary, i'm mostly speaking to the void. which is fine! that's pretty much what my website is for, as i don't really create for the sake of other people's validation. to help them, perhaps, but this has never been about getting a plethora of profile comments or what have you validating the way i feel.

on a bit of a different note, but also still a similar one with my enneagram and mbti agiven, i'm already planning my next analysis essay! still about better watch out, because i fear i am hyperfixating on it like crazy. but this time i wish to evaluate concepts such as incels, pick-up artists, and the general theme of misogyny throughout the film. i can't wait to get some work done on it, and hopefully share it with anyone that's interested!

stay safe, all is full of love.